How to stop yelling at your kids: Parenting expert shares her top tip

Each week, A Better Life with Jenn Dean explores the challenges and choices that shape our lives. Whether it’s finding balance at work, improving communication at home, or building healthier habits, A Better Life brings honest, down-to-earth conversations to help you thrive.

This week Dean talks to Dr. Kristen Cook, a pediatrician and a mom, who understands both the professional side of child development and also the very human reality of parenting when we’re tired.

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The following questions and answers have been edited for length and clarity.

JENN DEAN: One of the most common questions I get from families wanting help is, “I’m a yeller. How do I stop yelling? I start every day saying, “Today I’m going to stay calm. Today I’m going to be sweet.” And then it’s 7:42 in the morning, and your kid’s still running around half naked. Yeah, there’s no calm. I’m assuming you were a pediatrician before you were a mom?

KRISTEN COOK: I was practicing for two years before I had my son.

DEAN: Did anything change when you were a mom? And all of a sudden, this isn’t just textbook now.

COOK: Oh my gosh! Everything changed. Everything. In in medical school, in residency, they didn’t teach us very much about child development and why kids act the way they do, or how to be a more effective parent, how to create more peaceful parenting journeys. That’s all stuff I learned once I became a mom.

DEAN: Do you get lots of parents asking you how they can stop yelling?

COOK: All the time. I want people to understand that yelling is actually a biological response. Yelling is a sign that your fight, flight, freeze mode has been activated. Your emotional brain has taken over. It’s hijacked any type of self control that you have. It’s not a great response but it is biologically driven.

However, there are ways that we can take back control of that brain so it says, “Hold on, wait a minute, think before you start screaming.”

DEAN: What are some tools and strategies parents can apply to reduce yelling?

COOK: My favorite parenting strategy, I call duck on a pond. Years and years ago, when my husband and I were first dating, we had a wedding out of state. We had to fly there, the weather was bad and the flight got cancelled.

I was naive and very young and ripped into the airline staff. Like they can change the weather. I am hot and sweaty and frustrated, and I look at my now husband and he’s just standing back. I’m looking at him like, support me, join in, yell, join in us.  I go, what is your deal? And he says, I’m a duck on a pond, baby, duck on a pond.

DEAN: How did you take that in the moment?

COOK:  I stormed off. I left the luggage.

But he had a point. If you think about a duck on a pond, they look so serene, they’re just gliding along like everything’s good, but what’s going on under the surface? Their little legs are kicking like crazy.

So duck on a pond became my phrase that when I am about to lose it on my kids. I step back, I picture a duck on a pond, and it helps me reset my nervous system, so that I can respond in a calm manner.

What I encourage parents to do is think of your own phrase, word, visualization, something that can help you find your calm and remind yourself to take a breath before you respond to your child. And for this technique to work, you have to practise it every single day.

Write your phrase on a note and stick it on your bathroom mirror, on the fridge. Take it to work with you. Intentionally practice this technique time and time again, and it will be the single most useful tool you have to stop yelling at your kids.

DEAN: What about for the mom that would say, “I’ve tried that. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried counting to 10. I’ve tried deep breaths. I’ve tried stepping into another room, nothing works. What would you say to that mom? 

COOK:  You need to experiment and find what works best for you. I taught my sister-in-law this technique years ago, and her phrase is “puppies running in a park.” That’s so different than duck on a pond, but that’s what she found works for her.

If you’re finding that this technique doesn’t work, you either haven’t found the right phrase or you haven’t practised it enough.

• Jenn Dean hosts A Better Life with Jenn Dean every Sunday at 3 p.m. on 980 CJME and 650 CKOM